*Can you cry under water?
Yes, why not? It’ll just get wiped off your face very quickly.
*How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Good question. They probably have to be a political leader.
**Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?
*Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
It makes it much easier to ship, as it doesn’t slip and slide that way.
*How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
What?! The wheel was invented c3500 BCE, and they’ve been putting it on luggage ever since.
*Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
When babies *do* sleep, they’ve very quiet.
*If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes.
*Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Linguistic stupidity.
*Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
It looks cooler from a high vantage point.
*Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway.
They won’t see certain parts of you that they would see when you change.
*Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
For those of us with less powerful outlets. (Really.)
*If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Mineral Oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Acetate, Fragrance.
*If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
No.
*Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes.
*Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
I didn’t. I figured that out on my own a long time ago.
*Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Human breath is hot and gross, while fresh air is, well, refreshing.
*Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Psychologically, we feel like the extra power will make it work faster and compensate for the waning batteries.
*Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
Two words: MORE MONEY.
*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Simple. You can prove that paint is wet, but not that there are 4,000,000,000 stars.
*Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
People don’t like pain, up to the very last minute. That’s why the difference between the different Harigos Beis Din.
*Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
The Old English.
*If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
I suggest you take a course in Basic Evolutionary Theory.
*Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Must be something scientific.
*Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
I’m sure there is.
*Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
They keep lowering their standards with every return.
*Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Laziness.
*Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
Plastic bags have a 50% chance of opening on the right side on your first try.
*How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
They’re not completely enclosed, or there’s a hole.
*When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’
It’s polite.
*Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
You’re clumsy.
*In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Something I always wondered myself!
*How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Fathers-in-law are not nearly as nasty and intruding as mothers-in-law.