Hello and thank you for calling the Jewish Grandparent Hotline. If you are one of our children, press 1
If you need us to stay with the grandchildren, press 2
If you want the grandchildren to sleep at our house tonight, press 3
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 4
If you want us to prepare a meal for Shabbos and have it delivered to your home, press 5
If you want to come here for Shabbos, press 6
If you need money, press 7
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or are sending us on a cruise for our anniversary start talking!!
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The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
They see this as a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.
Case Closed!
You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system…
“Attention standby passengers – we now have a seat available on El Al flight number 386.
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Rachel decides to do some shopping at and manages to persuade her husband Moishe to join her. After 2 hours of looking around one women’s clothes store after another, Rachel suddenly realises that Moishe is no longer with her. So she calls him on his cell phone to see ‘what’s what.’
“So where are you?” she angrily asks Moishe. “I thought we were shopping together.”
“Don’t get broyges, darling,” replies Moishe. “Do you remember the jewellery shop by the escalator in the middle of the mall, the one we spent time in last year and where we saw a lovely gold necklace for you but which was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy and where I said I would get it for you one day?”
“Yes, of course I do, darling” replies Rachel excitedly. “Why do you ask?”
“Well I’m in the Cafe next door to that jewellery store eating an ice cream.”
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A Swiss tourist is traveling through Chelm and looking for directions, he pulls up at a bus stop where Chaim and Yankel are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.
Chaim and Yankel just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist finally drives off, frustrated. Chaim turns to Yankel and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says Yankel. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good!”