Abba_S: It’s unfair to assume that you know that the marriage is salvageable when Lenny1970 has yet to account for his actions here.
The amount of change needed for an allegedly abusive or controlling partner to become a consistently appropriate spouse takes years, not months in therapy. Furthermore, even if he changes, the wife may have gone through too much trauma to continue investing in the relationship. Both could be better off with a clean break.
Also you speculate hope. Yet his wife may have finally had the means in place to make this decision. Maybe she was sick of praying for him to change. Maybe his wife could have waited until the children were old enough. It’s a common strategy to living with an abusive spouse when one has children at home, limited resources, limited options, high levels of stress, and lowered self-esteem.
Lenny1970: I appreciate you coming to the CR and expressing your feelings. At the same time, it concerns me that you do not seem to be considering the very points that your wife addressed. Instead, you’re providing irrelevant information in hopes of redemption. None of which speak to acknowledging the pain that your wife is going through.
Thus far you told us that while interrogating the rabbi, he didn’t have any examples to prove his case. Often an abusive individual will get defensive and demand proof, which can be overwhelming and leave one at loss for words. Of course one can say that an innocent person may get defensive. However, from the standpoint of a husband who cares for his wife, would he not genuinely seek to understand where he may have gone wrong?
Moreover, controlling behavior and abuse can be consistently covert. It’s not something quantifiable but over time one sees the effects that it has on one’s partner.
I’m speaking from personal, educational, and professional experience in this matter. Unfortunately there are many types of abuse, including financial, emotional, verbal, physical, and sexual. It is also possible that the rabbi was at a loss for words because some of the reasons were based on intimate detail and he was protecting your wife from further shame and embarrassment. Additionally, he may have promised her that he would not tell you about the intimate details that she confided in him. Omission does not mean that you’re innocent.
Thank you and Hashem-helping, I will cease engagement in this thread.