Thebabbler – I struggled with this issue for years- the issue of not being able to be moichel people. I finally asked a Rav about it and found out that I do not have a chiyuv to be moichel people who have not asked me mechila. We actually say that in the Tefilas Zaka on the night of Yom Kippur.
It is a big maaleh to be able to do so, and kol hakavod to those who can do it. But I realized that if I am not holding by it and it is not a chiyuv to do so, I should not feel bad about it. I think that it is very important to accept your feelings. Even if you eventually are able to reach the level of being able to forgive people, you can only get to that point if you first accept your feelings and forgive yourself for feeling angry at people who hurt you.
I feel that right now I shouldn’t be working on forgiving people; I should be working on acknowledging my feelings.
I read a library book recently on this topic that I really liked. It was a “not-Jewish” book from the public library, but it happened to be written by someone Jewish (I think traditional but not Frum). I personally felt that her approach to forgiveness might be more in line with a Torah derech than a lot of the speeches people give about how you just have to be mevater and give in etc. I think that people have to be realistic and accepting of themselves first, and should not feel guilty for not being able to do something which is “lifnim meshuras hadin”.
Someone who hurt you has a chiyuv to ask mechila, and you have no obligation to forgive him until he does. If you are able to do so that is wonderful, but if you can’t, don’t feel badly about it.
I personally do believe that if someone hurt you and you are waiting for them to ask mechila, you should let them know about it so they can have the opportunity to ask mechila. If they don’t realize you are waiting for an apology, then it might not be fair to not be moichel them.