Reply To: Going off the Derech

interjection/aries2756-I really appreciate your posts. I agree with everything interjection said, and that is the reason I don’t fight with my son. I accept who he is right now, knowing that he is hurt and going through a difficult time/transition. I buy him his jeans, his t-shirts and his cigarettes. I gave him a necklace, an earring and a bracelet. I openly walk with him in the neighborhood, and am happy to be with him. The bottom line is that, of course I love him no matter what. I am not forcing any mitzvos on him at all. My only request is that he not play his music at home out loud on Shabbos, which he’s been doing. And while I’d prefer he not hang out all night in front of our building/in our neighborhood, it would be easier to accept if he wasn’t also with girls. And I don’t think I am making a bigger deal of this than my kids. My daughters know some of these girls from school, and some of the boys were friends with my other boys. I shouldn’t worry? It’s not an issue of not ‘accepting’ my son. If I acted inappropriately or chutzpadik outside, wouldn’t my husband be appropriately embarrassed? Does my son get a complete heter on everything he does? I bombard this kid with love and affection, and go out of my way to give what I can, to take him where he wants to go. But does having parameters have to mean I don’t accept him? Nobody has a free reign to do anything they want without limit.

Yet, I hear what you are saying interjection, and I am worried about the disagreements between my son and my husband. I never yell at my son, but when my son is especially chutzpadik to my husband, then my husband may yell back in response. I am hoping, that if I can get my husband to the same level of acceptance as me, then perhaps there’s a chance that things will improve.

Aries2756, regarding what you said about my kids having seen other kids OTD in mixed crowds, I don’t think it has the same impact as them seeing their big brother doing something blatantly wrong. It challenges their mindset and makes it acceptable behavior. I don’t want them to have safek. And it’s one thing to think about about your brother hanging out with girls, and another to see it.