WOW, I am not sure that “ignoring him” is the wrong thing to do. We have touched upon the issue of being considerate and responsible before. You have gone out of your way to show him generosity and kindness and to look away from his bad behavior. There is a difference when a child displays pain and when a child displays indifference or chutzpah.
Just because he is making different choices that are not in line with being religious that does NOT absolve him of his obligation to be a “mentch”. That has nothing to do with being religious or not, that just has to do with being a good human being. The fact that you went out of your way to do something nice for his friends and he has no appreciation for that or anything else just shows how he is manipulating you and using you. It might be time to take a step back a little and cool off.
There is no doubt that you love him and you should always let him know that you love him no matter what. But that does not mean that it is ok for him to treat you like a shmatah or to not be accountable for his actions. And just because you are upset with the way that he is behaving towards you that does NOT mean that you don’t love him. Your love doesn’t depend on him being a good boy and his love for you should NOT depend on what he can manipulate out of you.
Because you love him so much you were willing to do your best to understand his pain and his issues at this time. And even though you might not fully understand them, you chose to do whatever you can to help him through his journey. Even though you do not agree with his choices and even though you don’t approve of what he is wearing or doing, you still looked away and even purchased the items he wanted for him. Again even though it is against your own way of life and you wouldn’t have done it before and wouldn’t do it for the other children. On the other hand, just because he is pulling away from the way of life you raised him in, or he is making different choices in his lifestyle that doesn’t mean that he should love you any less, nor treat you with any less respect than before.
I would suggest what I have suggested in the past and that is to NOT make it so easy for him to disrespect you. Why does he come home every couple of days? To grab a shower, pick up a change of clean clothing and go out again? Well I suggested to you earlier that you don’t provide laundry service. Get him a hamper in his room and until he is home and ready to work “with you” on being a mentch, which would include either going to school or working there is no reason for you to provide service. If he is old enough to stay out all night and feels he is old enough to take care of himself then he should be taking care of himself. Let him be responsible to launder his own clothes and take care of his own things.
That is how I would suggest you ignore him. If he stood in front of me I would say hello, but I would not try to start a conversation. If he started shouting at me, I would turn my back and walk away. But I would also say “I love you very much, but I don’t have to put up with this behavior and lack of respect.”