“how can we ever win?” Why do we have to win?????? When you play a game to “win” everyone loses! Stop trying to play the game and just let things happen as they do.
“Do we have to wait for them to grow up and beome parents before their vision improves?” YES!! As my mother A”H always said, “with the years comes the seichel”. It takes a level of maturity and experience to gain the appropriate knowledge and wisdom.
WOW, please try and turn a deaf ear to the negativity. Please try to tune out the tantrums as you did when he was two. He is reaching back in time and trying everything he used back then in his bag of tricks to manipulate you. Don’t let your guilt make you feel inadequate or imperfect. On the other hand, no one is perfect but Hashem, so don’t let that shake you up or rock your boat. So what if he has imperfect parents, that is a part of being in the real world. Parents are imperfect, as are children, as are teachers and principals, as are friends and spouses, as are pets and even automobiles. So get on line and fill out a form at the complaint department. See how far it will get you.
Usually when someone wants to fight the best thing you can do is give in, but not in the way they want. If a child says “your mean” you answer with “you are right”, don’t argue. If a child says “you don’t love me” answer with “if you say so, but remember I never said that”, if a child says “I NEED “x,y & z”, you can answer “that you have to earn it, it is a privilege and not a right” or “I hear that, how do you plan on going about earning that?”
So he asked you for something you couldn’t give him? Is he a KING? Are you his servant? In the real world people do get disappointed! That doesn’t mean that they aren’t loved, that just means that they can’t always get what they want! That is a part of life, that is a part of growing up, and that is a part of making your own choices. If you choose to live a certain way and make these choices for yourself how do you plan on getting the things you need and want. Hashem is just not going to deliver them to your front door.
My three year old granddaughter keeps telling me “Bobby I want….” and I say “Honey, I want a million dollars, its just not going to happen” or she will ask me to share something of mine. If she followed the rules ie, behaved and listened nicely to her Mom, I will let her use that item. If she didn’t I will say “Sorry, I can’t share with you right now because you misbehaved and didn’t listen to Mommy, we can try again tomorrow.” I believe the best rule is neither to say “yes” or “no”, just say “I will give it some thought”.
When we react negatively to a request, the child believes that we rejected it out of hand without giving it due consideration. Even when we react positively, the child believes “that was easy, I should have asked for more” But when we respond with “I will have to think about that”, then in either case no matter what the final decision will be, the child will realize that we gave it the proper thought and consideration and we came to our conclusion by weighing the pros and cons. If that becomes our policy with every request, they will learn NOT to take advantage and will also learn that sometimes they will get what they need or want and sometimes they won’t.