W.o.w. part of chinuch is discipline and boundaries. Chinuch does not only mean teaching Torah and mitzvos. It encompasses everything we teach our children in order to raise them in the path of Torah. It also encompasses the means we use in order to accomplish that goal and hopefully that is also according to Torah guidelines and values. But it does include discipline and boundaries which does not suggest being cruel, it just means being smart.
Kids in your sons matzah are shirking all forms of discipline and boundaries. They don’t want to be told what to do and want to make their own choices. Unfortunately at this young age, they are not yet capable of making wise ones, although they think they are. The trick is to guide them in a way that they can choose for themselves correctly. If you “tell” them they “have” to they will do the opposite and pull away. The more you tug on the rope the more they will pull the other direction. You need you give just the right amount of slack to the rope so there is no tug of war. He needs the safety rope and yet he needs the slack to explore his options.
Can you picture it? If you pull back too tightly and he tugs harder he is taking you along for the ride and you don’t like it. If you give him some slack he is still connected to you, he knows you are at the end of his safety line and you are there for him, he can come back to you when he wants to or needs to. You are the constant, the strength and the support while he goes out to test the waters. You are holding the line so he doesn’t drown.
Does that help you? Can you visualize that? Maybe if your husband can visualize that it will help him.