My condolensces on this enormous challenge. First and foremost you need your husband to be on the same page. Otherwise, you don’t stand a chance. I had this with my son who is now 19 and coming back. Rabbi Wallerstein’s yeshiva was mentioned, my son was in that environment and it was awful. edited
He went though about a girl a month for three years and now is finally settling down in a great place in Israel.
His father was a disaster always trying to put him back in “mainstream” yeshivas instead of staying the course in ones that catered to his needs.
I am sorry to be reminded of the churban story of the woman with the flour, first she wanted fine flour, there was none left so she wanted regular flour, etc. By the time she got used to the idea of grits, there was no food left.
Your husband has to come around that the “uniform” is the least of the heart of our legacy. We are after all rachmanim, bayshanim and gomlei chassadim and hopefully the first and the last will be overdosed on your son during this difficult time, by you, by your husband, by family, by neighbors, by community so your son can sift through his emotions and work out his issues.
I heard of the twisted parenting and some say it really works.
My feeling is that kids actually like to work for something and get it instead of it just being handed to them. I used to give my son extra allowance when he fixed things around the house, more allowance when he did it without being told, kids like him don’t like being told so let them “preempt you”.
There is a woman Mrs Belsky who lives in Israel who speaks all over, she had a son OTD and he returned and then passed away. She has a lot of “hindsight” that may benefit you and your husband in your situation. Hatzlacha, parenting is the most difficult job and you got a real star job with your son. Would love his hebrew name to add to my tefillos if you feel up to sharing. We’re rooting for you! 🙂