Daniela, the worst thing a person can do in this situation is offer unqualified help. I am sorry to say it and hope that you are not offended but we are dealing with a very serious and painful situation and one that outsiders really don’t understand or have no knowledge how to assist in unless they are experienced in the parsha. It is easy to peer inside the window and offer advice or opinions as to what others would do when you were never in the situation nor have no training to understand the situation. Believe me I don’t wish it on you or anyone you know. It is truly something that is beyond comprehension unless your are right smack in the middle of it.
I do have experience helping both kids and parents and Here to Help is in the parsha. So although we have different approaches and don’t always agree, we can agree to disagree, and yet offer “real” help. I do understand the need to help because it is heartbreaking for anyone with a heart when you hear the pain one goes through.
WOW, HTH and I are offering different approaches. I offer what I can from a “coaching” perspective, Twisted Parenting is a concept that Avi has proven with many families. I do have to say that kids need to feel that they are loved and boundaries make a child feel that you care. Obviously one does not use the same boundaries with such children as with the others, but the boundaries that you instinctly chose regarding the late night worked. The electric cigarettes was another boundary whether it was intentional or not. You don’t know what he is thinking and if you leave the playing field wide open he might feel that you don’t care. It might take some negotiation between you, and that is fine and he might feel that he won the negotiation and that is fine too, but he will realize that you care and you are not just throwing him to the wolves.
There is a tug of war going on here between keeping him safe from your perspective and him wanting his freedom to do what he wants to do. YOU see the danger of him hanging out with his friends, something that he is absolutely blinded to. He sees the need to pull away and make his own choices. He is being buoyed on by his friends. In the end he is in control of his choices regardless because you have given him the right to choose, but he also knows that you love him enough to negotiate.
On another note, if possible are you willing to discuss what his issues were, why was he bullied? I wonder if he would be willing to take self-defense courses. If he chooses to check it out, Karate is a very good form of self-discipline. If he is not in yeshiva he will eventually have to go into the army, correct? As a matter of fact, don’t you have to sign up at 16? Having experience in martial arts will give him a leg up in the military and will give him the self-confidence and self-esteem he lacks. Is he at all concerned about that?