WOW, you make very good points. So where ARE the good Jews who should be reaching out to your son? Why isn’t anyone making an effort to be friends with him? Isn’t there anyone in the neighborhood that has experience with this issue that can stop by, or catch him on the way out the door and say hello to him?
At this point I would find modern orthodox or even secular Jews who are just interested in making a mentch out of your child and keeping him from falling into a really scary black hole. If you have soldiers who are neighbors, they could be a really great influence on him. The point is anyone who can help him build his self-esteem in a healthy way, anyone who can motivate him towards education, setting and meeting goals, staying healthy and safe, staying away from dangerous and damaging situations, etc. Being religious is not as important right now as being safe and being a mentch.
You can’t control him nor change him, he can only change himself. He is hurting inside and he wants to make his own choices. This whole issue is about “choices”. He wants you to respect his right to make his own choices. It is NOT about controlling you or making choices for you. He can only control you if you let him. The same way that he feels he has the right to make his own choices he recognizes that you to have the right to make your own choices. He just won’t admit it or say it to you, that is up to you. Just as you said “no” to the dog, that is your choice. You don’t have to say it in a demeaning way, or in a way that would put him down “You can’t have a dog because I don’t believe you would take care of it”. “I respect the fact that you love animals, but the building has a restriction on pets, and even if I would agree, it is just against the rules of the building.”
When we find ourselves in such a difficult position with our children we need to change our vocabulary to include “respect, admire and appreciate”. We naturally use the word “proud”. We are proud of our kids for one reason or another, but “pride” is a feeling that fulfills our own need. The other words reflect on the other person’s needs and actions. These are “key” words that work to build a new relationship. In addition it is important to say “I hear what you are saying”. It is important to validate their thoughts and feelings. So when a parents says “I value or respect your opinion”. That means a lot to the child. It helps to build their self-esteem and self-confidence.
The child is home doing nothing all day. If you ask him to help you with something will he do it? Try to engage him with something that won’t take more than 10 minutes and see how it goes. Make sure to tell him “Thanks, I APPRECIATE your help”. Try something like, my friend repainted her apartment, I really value your opinion. If we were to repaint our apartment what do you think we should do in the living room? What about your room? Thanks, I appreciate your input.
Small conversations that plant these new concepts is great for your new relationship. Don’t use it only for him, try to change your vocabulary for the entire family. Make it a conscious change so that it sticks. If he sees that you only use it for him, he will see hypocrisy and phoniness. So what do you do with a kid that is home all day? He loves animals and you guys need to make a connection. Why not ask him if he wants to accompany you to the zoo? He can take his phone along and actually take pictures, even of you. Let your guard down and have a good time with your child.