HTH, pointing out to a child that people have bechira and are responsible for their own choices no matter what religion they are, thereby pointing out that it has nothing to do with the religion itself but the person that the child feels hurt him, is NOT defending religion it is making a very important point. One that he will still be learning on an ongoing basis.
I agree that a child in pain does not want to hear or discuss religion and it is not important to do so. The main issue is his safety. Keeping him healthy is one’s main concern. That is the top priority and that is where unconditional love comes into play. Children do not come with warranties nor guarantees. They are born to us from our flesh and blood and are ours to love and nurture no matter what. That is our test. Hashem entrusts the gift of life, children, in our care. He doesn’t promise us perfection by no means. He did promise us “tzar gidul Bonim”. That is our challenge and our nisayon.. These are our children through good times and bad, through nachos and through challenge. Whether we walk, crawl, slide, climb, or slip through this dark journey with them or we are zocheh to dance at their weddings. These are our gifts from Hashem, and it is our job, obligation, responsibility, honor, and joy to love unconditionally no matter what. No matter whether they follow our dreams for them or they choose to follow their own.
One thing that we learn from such a challenge is that we must never miss an opportunity to tell our children that we love them. Whether it is when they walk out the door, walk in, when we end a conversation or say good night, you just can’t say it enough and they can’t hear it enough. Think about it, for those who didn’t hear it enough from their own parents, how did that make you feel? Learn to say it to your own children, even if you are not going through this challenge and especially if you are. The more you say it the more natural it will become and the more it will mean and be believed. You might even begin to receive an “I love you too” in response. Everyone has a need to be loved and feel loved and hearing the words regularly goes a long way.
Even anger is sometimes tempered when one hears “I am sorry you feel angry and hurt, I love you and if I am the cause of your anger and pain in any way, I truly apologize.” a sincere apology can also go a long way. One has to understand that even if they don’t think they did anything wrong, if their child feels hurt and needs the apology, it is very worth it because the hurt and pain they feel is very real. It is also a lesson one needs to teach, that parents are also human and are capable of both making mistakes and apologizing. As humans we are all prone to making mistakes, no one is perfect. And we are all capable of learning and improving, as long as we live and breathe we still achieve to keep learning and improving. We are even capable of learning a thing or two from our own children no matter their age. Some of us even learn to stop and appreciate the simple things in life from the youngest of our children. And we can and do learn things from the challenge and nisyonos that our children in pain go through.
One thing that I have learnt and taught many parents in this pasha is to separate our pain from that of our childrens’. For many parents it is very difficult to stop worrying about what the neighbors and other family members think or how our child’s behavior reflects on us as parents or our position in the community. This is a tremendous learning process. The pain a parent first goes through is their own pain until they realize and understand that it is NOT about them at all and it is about the pain their child is experiencing. And that is a very real and sometimes excruciating overwhelming pain. Once a parent gets past that hurdle with the help of a mentor, Rav, coach, or support system, they can better deal with and understand the dark journey their child is dealing with. It is a tough realization when faced with the question “what do you care about more, what your children think of you or what your friends think of you?”. When you get your priorities in order you will truly find out who your own real friends are. Those that really love you and care about you will support you and your child no matter what. They will love you unconditionally just as you love your child unconditionally and they will give your child the same support and love you do. This also paves the way for a child’s eventual path to return home; the faith, trust and love of and unconditional support of others.
What we need to understand is that we cannot control others or their choices we can only control ourselves, and we can’t change others only ourselves. So by being the best and the most honest role models we can be and by leading by example we set the stage for others to respond to us in a positive manner.