“Last night, my son bombarded me with all the things I did wrong his whole life. He’s angry with everyone in his life from his RY, mashgiach, yeshiva friends, Shul, parents, neighbors etc etc. At what point, if ever, does a teenager begin to look at himself honestly and say, “Maybe I’m too sensitive, maybe I’m too controling. Maybe it’s partly me”? As long as my son blames everyone in his life for leaving the derech, how will he ever come back? My husband and I are supposed to be ‘loving and accepting’, but my son is making life unbearable. With all the support I have, I still feel like I’m hanging by a thread. How are we supposed to survive this?”
WOW, I haven’t looked at this website for many months. I don’t know why I peeked today but this is a subject I am very concerned with so I have chosen to comment. Firstly I agree about Avi Fishoff, I have much respect for him. He has written a book on the subject so I am sure if you google him it will lead you to contact information. We emailed just last week about his current program with parents.
Regarding your post above, to me this shows that he is finally reaching out to you and opening up a bit about his personal pain. I understand that the knee jerk reaction is to look at it as him blaming everyone else for his problems and issues, but if you can try to look past it and understand it from the POV point of view or perspective of a child in pain, one who is crushed under the huge burden, you might gain some insight on your child’s emotional equilibrium.
Take an honest look at his list of complaints. No one likes to accept blame and as parents, you did the best you could making the best decisions you could make with the knowledge you had at the time and the advice you were given at the time. Every parent looking back might choose to have done any number of things differently. What about with his complaint at this time. Could you have done anything differently? What could you have done differently to bring about a different outcome? What about the R”Y, Mashgiach, friends etc. ? Could they have done things differently? Should they have done things differently? Do they have any accountability here?
I am asking these questions for the simple reason of understanding and validation. It is very important as parents to “listen to understand” and then to be able to validate his feelings and emotions. Feelings are neither right or wrong. They are there and a person has a right to their own feelings. In order for a child to be able to deal with their feelings it is very important for them to feel validated. If you can tell your child that you heard every word he said, obviously in a calm and loving manner, and reiterate that at the time you thought it was the best way to handle the situation you are showing that you understood that he is hurt. Obviously had you known he was still hurt, or that what you did was not enough you would have tried to do more, or knowing what is known today if you had this knowledge then you would have handled it differently. By saying this you are also validating his feelings. As far as the other players ar concerned, would you be comfortable asking him what he feels they should have done differently, or if it were to happen to one of his siblings or his own children c”v, what does he feel he would do to handle the situation in a more productive and successful manner.
If you listen to understand and offer a sincere apology you might just be able to keep the line of communications open. When someone is angry, especially a child it is important to help them channel their anger in the right direction. If the line of communication is open and he is willing to talk about his pain he might even start talking about his anger. In many cases kids don’t even realize they are angry or why. They don’t recognize the anger in them. They are frustrated and they know that, but they don’t see that they are also angry. One thing that is very important to keep in mind is that his friends are validating his feelings. If he says these things to his friends they will agree with him and enforce these feelings rarely giving an insight to the other perspective such as what his parents were able or capable of doing at the time, or if your parents gave you the opportunity to switch yeshivas why didnt you? Maybe he does need to be gently reminded that you did advocate for him as much as he would let you at the time. He might just come around to realize that he pulled you into the mix but you really don’t belong there. It is a process.
You are absolutely right when you say you can’t control him. He does not want to be controlled. But by showing him validation and understanding you might be able to make agreements with him based on mutual respect. Obviously you can’t respect his choices but you can respect his “need” to make choices. Obviously you don’t love or approve of what he is doing but you love your son no matter what. And I am sure that no matter what he loves you too. So try to make an agreement with him by putting it in those terms. “even though I might not understand everything that is going on with you I do understand that what you are doing is not out of a need to hurt me or our family. So can we make an agreement that you confine what you need to do in your room, and keep the music low enough for only you and not your siblings to hear? And although you feel you are old enough to be out with your friends till all hours, I can’t stop worrying about my son whom I love so much, so can we agree that we show each other mutual respect and consideration? can we agree on a reasonable curfew and you call me or text me if you will be late so I know where you are and when you will be home. “
It is worth making every effort to reach him. He is going through his own nisyonos while you are going through yours. He will come back when he finds the peace within he is looking for and he finds the right sheliach to show him the path home. As long as he knows your arms are always open, he will eventually find his way home. Hatzlacha Rabbah .