Wow this thread is really long I wish I had time to read it all.
I have alot to say so I want to try make it short.
You said he gets angry. So throwing him out of the house that would just re-enforce that.
And throwing religion aside just for a second – I think your main problem is that he is closed – not that he’s not keeping anything. If you knew what went on in his head then you’d know why he was reacting in certain ways
The computer – is a mistake – it’ll bring into your house what you dont want, and he can go on a computer outside of the house if he wants.
One thing you said was interesting a few pages back was that “He has always been independent and controlling, and he is now expressing it in its fullest.”
This could be your key to figuring out how to give him what he wants while getting what you want.
Independence he can get in a few ways – if he wants a computer to be independent and do what he wants he should earn it. Get a job and pay for it himself. It will give him a sense of independence and accomplishment.
Honestly without internet he cant do much… but being computer savvy I know how easy it is to put movies on an mp4 player and transfer it to the computer.
Music.. movies.. yeah they arent the best but really they’re not your main concern he isn’t breaking halacha by doing that. BUT if he knows you’re against them saying they’re ok wont work. He needs to know WHY you think they’re not ok. And dealing with an independent teen what he needs from you is your opinion “i feel that movies/music are bad because…. but in the end of the day I know you are a smart boy and you will make your own decisions now that you have the understanding about it”.. and leave it be. Let him make his own decisions. But you’ve let him know you dont approve and WHY (very important) and that you respect that he can make his own decisions and you respect his decisions.
However as a parent I would make it very clear no singing out loud and not in the house because he has a responsibility. If thats the case you are the parent you can still issue consequences, but the biggest trick is put him in your shoes, as him what he would do if he was you and his child was disobeying a basic rule…
I feel like he does want you to put your foot down, and look how scared he got when he said that “you’re responsible for him till he’s 18”. He’s scared you’ll throw him out! But if you do that you’ll create a very big enemy in him. Against you and his religion. What you CAN do is send him away to a Yeshiva that you know knows how to deal with these types of boys and will keep on top of them but let them choose their own way.
Also about the connection with your husband that could be a very big part of the problem unfortunately it is for alot of boys… it could be he could use a big brother but you’d have to be tactful in introducing someone like that. (Like inviting him shabbos meals or times when you know your son will for sure be around).
Wishing you so much hatzlacha and remember:
a) sooo many parents are in your shoes! Its unfortunate but you’re not alone
b) be happy – he is healthy – so many parents have to deal with a down-syndrome or child with other terminal illnesses – think positive that he is healthy and has the ability to challenge you. BH.
c) Daven… mothers tefilos are the strongest. and so are their tears
Never give up!