Reply To: Going off the Derech

soliek-thanks for sharing your story, it shows how having too much time on your hands, and being unsure of the future are a risky combination.

“So that should answer both your questions about Yeshiva and the computer. If he doesn’t feel like going, there’s not much you can do about it. But the alternative can’t be staying out all day and hanging out, or lounging around the house doing nothing. IF he doesn’t feel like going to yeshiva then he should have to get a job to keep him busy”

I agree with you 100%, but I can only encourage he consider learning a trade or working, if he doesn’t want to learn in Yeshiva. He’s really calling the shots. After reading your story, however, I’m more determined to get him involved in one of those 2 choices. I do think he has some emotional stuff to work out, but since he’s such a private person, I’m not sure he ever will confide in someone. Today I really tried to get him to consider talking to someone, and he blatantly refused. I’m just wondering if there are other kids like this who seem to go through the motions of Yeshiva, yet escape into the secular world of movies and Lady Gaga. What becomes of them? Of their Yiddishkeit?

yossiz- You are right, acceptance has to be genuine.

daniela-you make an interesting point, and it may be part of the problem. I think my son does feel that our lifestyle is a bit restrictive, and would prefer a less stringent lifestyle. He became lax with some of the mitzvot, saying he doesn’t care, sort of creating his own ‘halachos”. At the same time, he does believe in Hashem, and often times will tell me that when something goes awry when he’s with his ‘chevra’, he thinks it’s bc Hashem is listening to my tefillah. As far as being a second class Jew, I don’t think he feels that message from us, but I can’t control the messages he may be getting from the neighbors.

happytobehere-did your mashgiach know what you were going through? I know that my son doesn’t feel he can open up to his Mashgiach or Rosh Yeshiva. Unfortunately, they are not strong supports for my son.

zahavasdad-Perhaps it’s wrong, but I wouldn’t want them hanging out in my backyard. There are about 10 kids, loud, smoking, some off the derech. I don’t see it as harm reduction, in fact I see it as quite the opposite…causing potential harm to my other children, not to mention making myself a pariah in my own neighborhood.