BS”D
When the shadchan says: “He spends all his spare time doing chessed and helping the community” he means: “He was sentenced to 5000 hours community service!”
When the shadchan says: “She takes very good care of herself and is very health-conscious” he means: “She’s a hypochondriac who takes 100 different pills a day for imaginary conditions that don’t even exist!”
When the shadchan says: “He’s built big, like a cuddly bear” he means: “He weighs 300 pounds and has the appetite and personality of a grizzly bear!”
When the shadchan says: “Her family is independently wealthy” he means “Her father is a fugitive from the FBI and lives abroad but he sends her some money here and there!”
When the shadchan says: “He’s very, very frum and really goes out of his way to spread Yiddishkeit even when it is not easy for him” he means “He’s part of the Neturei Karta wannabes and he goes to every anti-Israel demonstration even if it is on Shabbos!”
When the shadchan says: “She lives in a beautiful house with the best soft leather furniture you could imagine” he means “She lives in a padded cell in the beis mishegoyim!”