blabla… this might sound bad but… to me it sounds like you and Gd need to have a little conversation. But don’t just talk. Yell. Scream. Cry. Ask Him why. Be real. You don’t have to be strong when you’re talking to Him. He’ll be strong for both of you. Know that now, when you’re in pain, He’s in pain too. He’s hurting because you’re hurting, yet He’s also making you hurt and Himself hurt for the sole purpose that somehow this is what’s best for you and all the other people involved. He really loves you.
Much Hatzlacha…