Blabla, i really feel for you and understand the inner war. I wish it would just be EASIER to fight those raging emotions but until than you just have to fight it anyway, you are stronger than it and have to fight it.
Perhaps the only way is to speak very firmly to yourself and instead of rationalising with the emotions or trying to fight them or feeling how difficult it really is or surrendering or saying “i just can’t help it!” – perhaps can you just speak firmly and IGNORE those voices, they aren’t allowed to speak to you, you have to “just do it” – right!!!!! It ain’t a choice!!!!! Don’t listen to those voices who are out just to hurt you. YOU CAN DO IT!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel the intensity of the struggle but you can do it. I pray to G-d to make it easier and just end the pain. Thoughts are with you!!