Moish01: I feel for you and think that for now you can scratch what NossonD is saying (just because you need more backround info and lingo in order to absorb it- no offense to either of you) and focus on dovid_yehudah’s comment. I think that is much more in line with the stage and emotions you are up to now.
It’s a really tough point in life you’re going through and I wish you loads and loads of hatzlacha. It’s hard to reach out (and reach IN- to yourself)… and it makes it easier to get your answers on this type of forum. But it’s not the right way.
You need proper guidance and direction with plenty of sensitivity, love and care to go along with it.
If you can tell us the general area where you live, perhaps we can direct you as to who you can approach to get all your questions straightened out in a positive way.
PS- look at my user name… that’s the name of the game (let me know if you do not understand my user name)