I am using this thread as an opportunity to expose the dangers of Footsteps, as well as my heartfelt wish that someone develops a proper alternative. I actually lose sleep over this. Due to significant personal limitations, I can not personally realize my dream of creating such a place. But I certainly would be willing to give of myself to support such a place in any way that I could.
First of all, regardless of their claim to NOT encourage abandonment of Torah, there is a particular unspoken message at Footsteps. True, there is no pressure for a member to change. Many members come clandestinely, and there is a very strong code of confidentiality. Nobody is ridiculed for holding on to the clothing of their community, or to any particular minhag. Acceptance is a given.
However, a Member who has the “courage” to leave the community, or try treif for the first time, or completely shave off their payos, or leave tznius behind, is provided with a great support system and cheering squad – literally. They are considered to have “overcome” their inhibitions, and their fear of judgement. There is no need for indoctrination. It’s built in socially. I know this from friends who have unfortunately turned to Footsteps to meet their needs.
There is currently a tremendous need for a place where originally frum young (mostly already adult) Jewish people are able to speak out their frustrations, to a listening and sympathetic non-judgemental ear, and have their personal experiences validated. There is a need to find that they are not alone and that others are also unhappy in the “system”. They are in the process of finding themselves; often for the first time experiencing their individuality, which is the birthright of every human being. This is not heresy! – no Yid has the same road to travel as the next, despite the aim for a common destination of closeness to Hashem. They have the need, to assess the situation they are coming from, and sort out that which is integral to their identity from that which seemed either arbitrary, or downright controlling or hurtful. In a place where experiences are validated, without fuel being added to the fire, acceptance of reality can become a platform from which to rebuild, rather than further destroy.
The sad part, is that because there is currently no place for these people to safely explore their thoughts, feelings and emotions, they are highly likely to make use of the acceptance that Footsteps offers. And those who started Footsteps, as well as their more popular and well known members, are not shy about declaring the value they have found in a Torah free, or G-d free life. Freedom from the burden of mindless, meaningless rituals is very attractive. The yetzer hora is still alive and well in the world.
There is a genuine need for members of certain communities to catch up on skills that will help them get a job, and function in the “outside” world. This includes compensating for education that was minimal in the school they attended, and or almost non-existent by mid-high school. It also includes coaching in how to behave in the world: How to acclimate from a very insular situation, to one in which the rules and the norms are unclear. Their experiences, besides being insular may also include a range of abuse from mild to serious, which leaves them without a barometer of what is considered normative behavior, speech, and body language. This is in relation to all members of society at large, Jewish, non-Jewish or anywhere in between. It goes without saying that they must learn basic propriety – and boundaries – with members of the opposite gender in a professional environment, or even in a social one.
It is truly painful to me that I could not refer the 2 people I am referring to, to a better place. They were no longer “at risk”. They had already heard speeches from all the successful kiruv rabbonim, all the answers to the questions they posed. For whatever reasons, their pains, and feeling of being “trapped” by rules and a controlling system, were not successfully addressed, and they wanted nothing further to do with anyone who clearly wanted to change them, and show them they were wrong.
By the time they are seeking a place like Footsteps, such individuals do not believe that there are satisfactory answers, or validating approaches in a Torah life. In my experience, that includes a Modern Orthodox Torah life. I do believe they need a lot of what Footsteps is providing. But they DON’T go there with a need to be metamei their neshama with unkosher food. That isn’t what they are seeking at that point. They are also not primed to be seeking out every physical pleasure that exists – yet. There is no need to introduce hedonistic pleasures, when there is so much to offer that is not against halacha.
Those of us who are blessed with a comfort level in Torah observance, function with the help of emunah and/or bitachon. We are lucky enough to know that after all the confusion is cleared up, at the end there is Emes. We know there is an objective Truth of why we were created (within our limited understanding), Who created us, and Where he wants us to direct our energies (Torah, Avodah, Gemilus Chasodim); each in his or her own way. At the end of our sojourn here, we know we are going to be returning our neshamos back to their Source, and what we have done on this world to enhance our neshamos, is all we will take with us. We get distracted, but deep inside we know.
If you can not relate to what I just wrote, I strongly recommend that you seek out a non-judgemental Rav, kiruv professional, or mentor. Those of us who have been blessed with circumstances that fostered these beliefs, whether from the safety of a warm family home, or later in life by searching, and finding an environment which nurtured our beliefs, certainly still have challenges and doubts that crop up in our lives. The difference is that we believe that the problem lies somewhat within ourselves, certainly not within the Torah. And so although we struggle, we are grounded by the belief that eventually we will have satisfaction and understanding. We know that challenges will bring us to the Truth that we already believe. If we are smart, we are not threatened by another person’s struggle to find their place in a Torah guided system. Hashem is not at risk, and neither is His Torah. We have challenges that we are meant to overcome, and we are taught that we have the internal resources that we need – if we make the effort to access them, sometimes with assistance. At the very least we can be motivated by the concept of eternal reward, the likes of which we know will be better than we can fathom in this world.
But those who run that organization do NOT have an underlying belief in Torah. Some are publicly avowed atheists. They mock the places they came from, sometimes in a very subtle way – perhaps due to contradictory messages they received. As leaders and mentors, they share the experiences they have discovered, that were once impermissible. In that cynical environment, there is very less chance that the self-exploration that some people justifiably need to do will lead back to the quest for Truth they start out with. Objective Truth is another word for Torah! Just as they were lacking “permission to be independent thinking people” they are now lacking “permission to believe”!
We sorely need a place for the affected teens, or even more so, post-teen young adults, to get the technical life skills they need, be validated and supported for their individuality, and be accepted with patience as they struggle to find a comfortable way to house their own “pintele Yid”. Because they all still have one. If you have seen videos of impromptu kumsitzes, where young people with tattoos, body piercings, provocative clothing, and a generally “rebellious” demeanor, sit together and sing the zemiros from their shabbos table of origin – than you know what I mean. Much of their search is necessary and inevitable. But many would eventually find Torah living again, if the support people around them would be people with conviction that the answers to a satisfying life are found in a life that brings us closer to Hashem. At this juncture, they will not tolerate being lectured to, or disapproved of in any way. They are not receptive to “answers” to the questions that they seem to be asking, so hashkafa classes are not indicated. But their pintele yid is in fact starving. And when they are ready, they will come forward again with a mind that is open to the possibility that they all but threw out the baby with the bathwater. Unless of course, they are surrounded by more “experienced” formerly frum successful people, who just by their presentation alone convey the message that happiness and success are found when yiddishkeit is left behind.
If we manage to provide a place for their current needs, without trying to manipulate or change them, we can give them a safe place, where the food happens to be kosher. We can listen to their twisted understanding of Yiddishkeit as an oppressive, cold religion, without the need to put them in their place, but rather with a listening ear to how they came to those conclusions. Certain latitude is probably indicated in terms of interaction between male and female members or they will not come. Boundaries and rules of conduct, will surprisingly be respected, if the atmosphere is not oppressive. Opportunities for acceptable self-expression, and celebration of accomplishments is part and parcel of such a support environment. Instead of hearing repetitive disappointment from family members who hoped for a different son, daughter, sister or brother, there should be events to give credit to these young people for anything of value that they have accomplished and ought to feel proud about.
It is what will NOT be provided that also matters:
There will NOT be a group event, led by a lawyer, to help them set up a legal plan to ensure that when they die, their religious relatives will NOT be able to give them a proper, halachic, Jewish burial. Yes, such a group workshop was offered free of charge to members one fine evening in the recent past, R”L. I know this because my friend attended, not knowing what the planned topic was. But the encouraging part is, that although this group was listed on the members’ calendar, only one person showed up! Because the neshama isn’t dead. The mere offering of such a group event says so much about the unspoken agenda at Footsteps. I have no doubt that there are other “open minded” workshops with goals that by definition are a rejection of some of our most hallowed mesora.
We must find a way.