Syag, excellent point, and one which many families struggle with.
I think we agree that the ideal would be a situation where the husband learns full time (productively, of course, not just “being in kollel”) AND the mother raises her children full time.
The problem is that the bills need to paid somehow.
Without offering one-size-fits-all solutions, I will point out a couple of things:
1) It’s not all or none. A mother can work yet still be the one raising her children. It depends on the job, and on the kids. I have seen plenty of families with working mothers where despite having babysitting for a few hours a day, the kids grew up extremely healthy, and the mother was the mother. OTOH, I’ve seen where the mother stopped working because the kids were not doing well, and worse, where the mother didn’t stop working and the kids suffered.
2) Having a father who is a talmid chochom is not just a benefit to him, it’s a benefit to the whole family. In the difficult weighing of the pros and cons of of the different possible arrangements, this must be factored in. It’s not only a loss to the children to have the mother support a talmid chochom husband, it is also a gain.
3) Many families need to have two incomes regardless. If someone in kollel decides to leave for parnassah, it is far from a sure thing that his wife will be able to stay at home full time.
Again, I’m not disagreeing with your thoughts, I’m just trying to provide another valid perspective.