In the regular world people have be accused of gashmuius when it comes to dating and marriage and in many cases its true, but unfornatly in the frum community the same has occured , but for different reasons.
Outsiders have been accused of shallowness for wanting to know about looks or other things, but is this any better or worse than telling an older woman who has trouble walking, not to use a wheelchair in front of certain people as not to damage her grandaughters shidduch chances (This happend to a family member) or hiding disabled siblings as not to damage a shidduch or just caring what challah board someone uses.
There is shallowness and gashnius in any system, it just shows up in different places