Mod 80 (whose opinions I DO respect) – unless I mistake your reply, you seem to be implying that unless the couple in E”Y is not complaining, that there is no problem. What difference does it make if they are unhappy or not? Would you ask the same thing if the couple were off the derech, or living in the street, and the mom was heartbroken about it? Sometimes people in a difficult and stressful matzav cannot see that matzav as being terrible – until it is too late to change the ramifications of it (i.e., a nervous or physical breakdown, a broken marriage, etc.)
A woman with kinehora 8 children who works two jobs to make ends meet, and is living in a small apartment, presumably with a husband who is unemployed (though to be fair it was NOT stated as such by the OP), has a very real problem. If she does not see this as problematic, then either she is really blind to her own situation, or has been brainwashed into thinking that she is only worthy if she accepts this as her lot in life.
Chani, you have to try very hard to separate yourself from the stress this is causing you. You cannot be of help to your daughter either in E”Y or here, if you develop high blood pressure, etc. from your stress about her stress. If you have the financial resources and are able to do so, perhaps you could help them out financially, or even go there for a visit to help her with the kids and household stuff. If not, try and open up a dialogue with her and see what SHE feels she needs, and try to see what solutions you can elicit from HER (i.e. to have it come from HER that her husband needs a job, or a second job).
Nobody ever said life would be easy. It’s just so hard to sit back and watch our kids when we presume they are suffering.