aries:
1. you discussed halacha i answered halacha.Perhaps in your community that is the prevailing custom and as such that’s what the rabbi said, in which case it is correct, but it is NOT a standard for all communities. If one gives a electrician a gift have they fulfulled their obligation to pay? similarly with shadchanus. In a coomunity where one gives a gift to a electrician instead of paying a fee then one can do so, but that’s certainly NOT standard custom. (you make it sound like i’m saying some novel chiddush as if i make myself out to be some expert. I’m simply relating codified halacha.)
2. I am syaing that shulchan aruch and commentaries compare shadchanus to other service providers and the rules and regulations governing compensation are the same. I would think that your LOR is familiar with this.
2. Regarding omens: i am not discounting that reality, (in fact i would argue that giving a gift that doesn’t satisfy the shadchan’s fair and just expectations, does little to allevite the potential problem you aluded, irregardless of if the gift is given before or after the wedding.
3. please provide for the cr some evidence where local custom was to pay shadchabnus at or shortly after the weeding, the family did that, and they attributed problems down the line to the fact that the followed the local coustom (and halacha) and gave proper and appreciated shadchnaus at or after the chassuna.I dare say you will NOT be able to come up with such evidence.
4. regarding specific situations as to who is the shadchan the person who suggested the name, encouraged, was the go between etc. these are all fairly common halachic questions and for the most part the vast majority of situations have already been dealt with by poskim.
(The follwoing is my understanding of halacha but i may very well be incoorect, and with all such matters they should be presented to a competent authority in the field, (not necessarity any LOR, much like one wouldn’t ask a complicated medical halacha shayla to a LOR but to a expert in that field)
A general rule of thumb is that halacha considers there to be 3 parts for the shidduch.
a. suggesting the name in the manner that directly brings about intrest for the party to proceed with the shidduch. Irrelevant if it is the first person or 10th person to mention the name (maschil is the halachic term)
b. Being the go between from when both sides prvoide the yesses throught the dating process.
c. being the go between as it nears completion and facilitating closing the deal (gomer).
each one of these roles deserves 1/3 of the shadchanus. If standard shadchanus was 1500 from one side then role a is 500 role b 500 and role c is 500. if one person played two roles but not the third then they would receive 1000.
if two people together combined to play one of the roles, then the portion for that role is split. people who give good advice, information etc are not halachically entitlted to the compensation that is reserved for the shadchanim. Should one decide to give them some comepnesation it should NOT come out of the sum that is customrarirly given to the shadchan.
5. shadchanus in halacha is considered in the field of “sarsur” borkers, and the guidleines for compensation follow those of people who provide the servie such as brokers.
any question you have regarding shadcnim (effort involved, etc should be addressed to all forms of brokers). one more note: the simply idea that someone considers themselves a shadcan becasue they feel they deserve credit does not in any way have create any halachic obligation. halchic obligation depends on the actual role that was played and how halacha views that role, personal feelings aside.
This is my understanding for what it’s worth.
here is article that broaches the topic…
http://www.businesshalacha.com/articles/will-real-shadchan
passfan: probably correct based on the priciple of hamotzi meichabeir alav harryah. However in such instances perhaps one should be concerned about someone having bad feelings (that may be somewhat justified) and thus running into the issues down the road that aries refers to.