“Are You a Good Jew”
TTTO Do Your Ears Hang Low
(I don’t really know how the end of the tune goes so the following stanzas are each just the first part of the tune and then the next stanza starts over again. For instance, in Moderator 42’s song it would correspond to “Is your beard five foot three? Does it itch you like a flea? Can you tie it to a dock? Can you tie it to a tree?” and then the next stanza would begin from the beginning of the tune. It might take you a few tries to figure out how to make the spacings and emphases fit the tune, but I assure you they all fit.)
do you learn Gemara
do you say a sevara
do you skip through all the complicated agadita
is it Iyun that you pound
or is your goal to cover ground
what is your derech halimud is it valid is it sound
is it halacha lemaisa
or lomdus like the shev shmaitsa
or perhaps it’s the Slabodka style of Mussar that strikes ya
do you hold like the Rambam
or the Tashbetz’s responsum
about whether taking money is permitted or a problem
do you follow a mesorah
do you listen to Daas Torah
do you ordain female rabbis based on Biblical Devorah
how ’bout Talmud for women
or an all female mezuman
can a lady be the chazzanit in a partnership minyan
are your haskafos krum
even though you seem quite frum
remember it’s a bigger disqualification than a mum
do you consider it baseless
to reinstitute Techeiles
or perhaps it is because for your Tzitzis you want to pay less
what are your standards of kashrus
do you pedestalize yashrus
how much money do you spend do you live a life of pashtus
is it your greatest ambition
for your kids to gain admission
to a school a school that doesn’t take all your life savings for tuition
what’s your stance on metzitza
or a transparent mechitza
would you be open to yibum or do you stick to chalitza
what about the shidduch crisis
does it scare you more than ISIS
when you tell the shadchan no is the look on her face priceless
does your husband put his feet up
when you ask him to help cleanup
are you regretting not insisting on a halachik prenup
how big is your kezayis
do you go on Har Habayis
do you spend nine hours davening a day are you pious
where do you place your reliance
in Chazal or modern science
if they contradict each other which of them gets your compliance
do you create mitzva towers
by doing your chessed hours
do you say lesheim yichud before your erev shabbos showers
did you go to BJJ
because of what people would say
when they see it emphasized on your shidduch resume
if Brooklyn is your home
do you say Shabbat Shalom
or do you refuse to acknowledge the sanctity of the yom
divine omniscience and bechira
how do you resolve the stira
and I need to know if you rely on the heter mechira
would you go to a casino
did you boycott Borsalino
what’s your Jewish perspective on the paradoxes of Zeno
are you a Zionist
or Yeshivish with a twist
Hallel on Yom Ha’atzmaut I think you get the gist