woah.
a sucker is also someone who’s a tag-along or does what everyone else is doing, but doesn’t really fit in. that’s my opinion.
yeh, i’m the oldest but i don’t think that’s a big deal. my siblings are fine with me. no issues at all. my parents are ok (maybe my dad’s a little better at this stuff, but that’s just his personality. my mom’s a push-over who probably just cries.) but i don’t think it makes any difference.
you think i took the easy way out? probably to some extent. but you don’t know what i went through till then. and even after – till i became comfortable with myself. now i can’t dump everything – i’d be so lost i wouldn’t fit in anywhere. i’m not saying that i’m the “leader” but i’m not a nobody with my friends. never was – even in yeshiva. i can’t make myself into that – for god’s sake i’m 16!
i’m sure i’ll change one day. but right now i don’t think i WANT to. things are fine. i just get this really big guilty feeling every once in a while and i remember stuff i learned… that’s the only killer… it’s really the only thing i wish i could change, but that’s not possible without changing my whole life.
you said take it slowly. great. i can imagine not smoking pot. but i can’t imagine not playing football on shabbos or not touching girls. so take it slowly? i could give up the things that aren’t technically assur – it’s the biggies that i can’t do.