Shlufnisht, I have no experience with your problem. I cannot offer you any advice. I felt I had to respond to your post because, as a parent, it’s breaking my heart. Seeing the name you chose to describe yourself hurts, and is so easy to identify with. I know the feeling of missing the sweet days when we lost sleep because our children needed to be fed & rocked & diapered in the middle of the night.
I hope you feel no resentment over the fact that your son has chosen to leave the derech that you must have worked hard to guide him along. The Goq’s comment is emmes. It’s very difficult to fault an individual who must have suffered terribly. We all daven that your son, and others like him, will find their way back to a life of growth & accomplishment.
I expect there may be some small comfort in the fact that your child chose to open up and tell you what he went through. At least now you can begin to try to find a way to help him heal. May you be zoche to yeshuos b’karov, and to see much nachas from your son and all your children.