The shidduch system is not really a system, it is a set of socialised norms that have evolved over time. That is why shidduchim are done differently in different parts of the world. Note that there is a wide world beyond NYC!
The problem is that what has evolved has evolved because of social pressures and agendas that have nothing to do with creating healthy marriages. For example:
1. Money. The reality today is that people want to live in comfort. Let somebody else pick up the tab… The “system” now legitimises this.
2. Social status. The Satmar Rebbe said many years ago that in all his years in America he met very few people who made shidduchim for their childrens’ sake. If we are honest about it, things are far worse today.
3. False Righteousness. Today, we are too fahrfrumpt for our own good. Nothing is good enough and we keep “chumras” that our ancestors would have laughed at. Unfortunately, as a whole (even though there may be exceptions) we have not become better people than our ancestors who were less fahrfrumpt then we are!
The result of this is a “system” that is almost purpose built to ensure that two young people have no idea who they are marrying! All the checking out beforehand in most instances (where absurd questions are asked)is counterproductive as in most cases, there is no way to verify the voracity of what is found out.
The result is the mess and the pain that we see today. The answer is to relook at our values…