I am with those who feel the system is flawed and needs to be restructured. I notice that even the well-known shadchaniot who have columns in local Jewish papers, have started revising some of their thinking.
There is no question in my mind that the system does not work well. We have never seen such a plague of unmarried Jewish children as we see now. I think the shidduch “rules” are mostly ridiculous and a waste of valuable time. The things that people check out to death are often naarish and shallow or self-serving, and the notion that a boy is old enough to get married but not old enough to call a girl to arrange his own date with her after she has been suggested to him, is another means of infantilizing our children. If they are old enough to date,they are old to speak on the phone like WE did, and arrange the dates for themselves. If they are unable to carry on a normal conversation with each other, that is a serious issue.
All the people who think it is untzniusdig to do this,are people who were brought up with that mindset, so naturally they believe it to be the only proper derech. But our parents had a different mehalach and it worked really well for them AND for us. It is OK to meet someone on your own in a safe and structured environment, such as a Shabbaton or other Singles event. It is not OK to make a negative assumption that all such events are “treif.”
Girls should be encouraged to wear makeup and learn how to do their hair nicely and dress attractively in a tzanua way, if Nature needs a little boost. Much as we like to proclaim otherwise,realistically NOT ALL BNOS YISROEL ARE BEAUTIFUL on the outside, even if they are, on the inside. It is wrong to brainwash girls to believe otherwise, because then many of them who are plainer of face and form, think it is assur to get made up. Guys AND their mothers, make some initial choices with their eyes. Guess what! So do girls. Which brings me to the guys.
PLEASE be clean, brush your hair and teeth after showering before every date. Dress neatly, even if you have a small budget for clothing. There is no excuse for a dirty shirt, missing a button, or an unkempt look. The girls for the most part are trying to look their best for you, please offer them the same courtesy. This is NOT untzniusdig. When people go shopping, they look for an attractively designed package. There is a whole field of marketing devoted to this. Is buying a box of cereal more important than appealing to one’s bashert?
Don’t keep a shadchan waiting with an answer of yes or no. And the girls should be told about the guys just as the guys are told about the girls. And they should be told about more than one suggestion at a time, so they can get a date with at least SOMEONE appropriate on the “list.” Waiting for a yes from one boy before moving forward with someone else, when another one might be as appropriate a shidduch and more available, is a huge waste of time. I have seen girls I know personally, who lost out on shidduchim (yeah, so it wasn’t bashert, I know, I know), because while waiting for a boy who ultimately said no, the boy who WOULD have said yes, went out with another girl.
I look at shidduchim like this. It is a mitzvah to marry and make a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel. Mitzvah haba-ah l’yadecha, al tachmitzena. Don’t lose a chance because of stupid non-halachic rules,that have created a climate in which our shidduch crisis flourishes. We have to do everything we can to use common seichel as well as Halacha, to turn the tide on this epidemic.
I am sure that there are individuals who will strongly disagree with me in whole or in part. That’s ok. I respect your opinions, too, even as I disagree with them.