Wow talk about a modern day problem. I don’t think it’s a hacaras hatov issue. I can have gratitude for someone without having to allow them to run my life. Also, She didn’t say that you can’t go to him, just that she isn’t comfortable. That’s not outrageous. Sounds to me that she came up with a good compromise and the ability to compromise is maybe the most important quality in a spouse.
I’m not sure what is meant by a family rav. Chicken shilos? Shalom bayis? You can have more than one Rav in your life, a personal one and a family one. Does any one Rav have the time for all your questions?
I think it’s a mistake to begin with to be dragging your woman to your rabbi. The way it’s supposed to work is that your wife asks you and you ask your rav when you can’t answer. Maybe that will happen more as you get more mature and learn to tackle life’s challenges on your own. That can be tougher I admit when one is young in this crazy world of ours. I don’t want to sound like an apikorus here but you are supposed to use your own brain in life and to run your household. The gadol hador can’t do that for you in part because he’s not in your house, not close to every nuance of every issue. So yes rabbinical guidance is very important but rabbis don’t run your home on a day to day basis. The husband and wife do and they need to be able to work together, to hear each other, to get along, to compromise.
So I wouldn’t get too worked up about this; although it would be interesting to know what was said that was inappropriate. Maybe she’s being a little oversensitive. People today are way too thin skinned. Maybe he really was inappropriate.