Goq, that is sooooooooooooo painful. Wish I knew what to say to make it easier for you.
The only thing I can think of is that our neshama signs a “contract” before coming down to this world accepting all the challenges that it will go through. The neshama knows up there its tikun & how to best obtain it. It also prefers going through the hard stuff down here than up there. That’s part of why we’re supposed to bless Hashem for the tough stuff & not just the good (easier said than done).
Just have faith that you knew what you were doing before joining Planet Earth and that you had very good reasons for agreeing to it.
(You might think you were drunk up there accepting your lot in life but neshamos don’t drink…)
Hope this helps a little.