Keep climbing,
Its great that youre so honest with yourself. You know exactly where youre standing and what you want.
You say that even if nothing is wrong at the moment, you arent happy. So let me ask you this: what do you think would make you happy? A certain person? A place? Try to think of something.
I understand your fear of telling people. They might not take you seriously and they might betray your trust.
If its too hard for you at the moment to speak to someone face to face there are always other options like a confidential hotline and of course the coffee room 🙂 actually, I always see a hotline advertised in the hamodia for boys. As soon as I have a chance, ill go find the ad and let you know details.
Whichever way you choose to do it, speaking to people about what’s bothering you is so healthy. It releases tension, gives you a broader perspective of the problem, and together you can find solutions.
Honestly, I totally get why you feel so unhappy. When you don’t have who to talk to, you feel terrible.When im really upset (usually at night) I want to talk to my friends but then I rationalize and say that they wont understand me, they wont know what to say… and then the frustration of having to keep everything in is often more painful than the problem itself. (But there’s someone that I email sometimes as a last resort and if not for her I would explode.)
I had a thought. Could it be that youre scared to be more extroverted because of what you think extroverts are like? If you perceive them as bullies and nasty people then of course you wouldn’t want to emulate them!
Please keep me posted cuz im thinking about you all the time and hoping youre ok