So many questions and so few answers, right? I wonder all the time why Hashem does certain things and ive never gotten any answers. I guess that its part of life.
You sound so upset and sad. I dont know what to say to make you feel better so im sending a virtual hug through cyberspace.
Why do you say its impossible to get to the point where you could have healthy relationships and self esteem? Is it because you tried everything to achieve it and you didnt get the results you were hoping for? If so, thats so frustrating! But you need to keep on going and to keep trying. I know it seems as if youll never get there but hopefully one day you will. I know its hard but youre strong enough to do it, I promise.
Have a great night! Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day. Remember: here youre always safe. Were all here for you and cheering you on.