It is an ancient observation that the roots of divorce are generally found in the weakness of the bond of the marriage. This can take any of several images. Sometimes it is the poor preparation for marriage that leaves one or both of the young couple stranded without the skills to navigate the challenges. The Steipler ZT”L once noted in reference to a young man who was not managing his end of the marriage well, “What do you expect; for the past 15 years, his only relationship was with a shtender?”
Sometimes one or the other suffers from psychiatric or psychological conditions, either known and withheld or not known. This makes the building of a relationship all but impossible.
Midos tovos do not compromise an academic subject to learn in yeshiva (as in “mussar seder”, but character traits that need to be developed and nurtured. Some people have trouble with this because the nurturing is lacking, others have not had the role models to serve as inspiration.
There are couples that discover differences that are enough to doom the options for a relationship, and should redirect their lives. This sounds easy, but in today’s world it is not. The role model for divorce is set by those couples who gain media attention, as well as those who speak up a lot within the support systems of peers. They “go for the gold” with combative efforts that keep batei din and secular courts busy. They strive for the victory of destroying the other partner, and then have nothing to show for it but their own loneliness. It is truly sad.
While I completely support the “shidduch system”, it is not without its flaws, and these are easily noted and mitigated. A chosson and kallah enter the chuppah as strangers, regardless of the extent of their contact prior to the wedding. Have they been prepared to live life as themselves, as opposed to the facade they were displaying up until that point? Is enough known about the two “kids” prior to entering the shidduch? Are we appeased by the simple, non-informative information about the boy being a “good learner who has good friends” and the girl being a “baalas midos and great personality”? Perhaps we need to know more about how each of them handles stresses and challenges of life. How do they deal with anger? Do they have the capacity to be independent (emotionally, not just financially)? We can surmise the rest of the types of questions.
To whom can a couple speak if they experience difficulties? Do they address their difficulties as reasons to engage in adversarial behavior, or are they seeking resolution? Do they seek companionship and support outside the marriage? There are many questions to ask in this regard.
More to follow.