the-art-of-moi
No offense to your teachers and all that but they didnt do a good job teaching you about Teshuvah. The truth is you should contact a shul Rav who is a big talmud chacham, he will probably know enough to guide you on how to properly do Teshuvah. I think a lot of what you have been doing is counterproductive and making things worse.
The reason why you have to do Teshuvah is for you not for Hashem. The reason you daven is the same, Hashem knows everything, He knows what you want and need and what you are going to say before you say it. But we need to do the act of saying the words and feeling the meaning behind them.
When we do Charatah and say the words, “Hashem I did xyz…” try to picture yourself standing before Hashem and actually saying what you did wrong. That has a very powerful affect on a person and seforim say I think I heard that its from a Rambam, that when you admit what you did it makes it harder to ever do it again. Also, if you aren’t sincere in your regret you will have a harder time saying it out. Thoughts are thoughts we dont give much value to them. Words are more valuable and powerful (not to say that thought is cheap but thats just the way we view it).
Charata doesnt mean guilt. It means regret. Regret is very different from guilt. Regret is “I wish I hadnt done that.” “I wish I hadnt acted that way” “I wish I hadnt lowered myself….” You can feel guilty without having regret. Guilty is more like you did something that you know you shoulnt have and you have that nagging guilty feeling. Would you do it again? Maybe. Possibly. Regret means you deeply wish you hadnt done it and you wont do it again because you realize the hard you caused to yourself or to another…
Kabbalah al haasid means setting up Gedarim so that it wont happen again. Theres no limit to how many gedarim you can set up. If you know that theres something you cant stay away from you need to put it in quarantine. Make sure that you are 10 steps removed from it. Theres more to this. You also need to have positive alternatives to bail you out when you are in danger of doing the thing you shouldnt. Additionally, if possible, arrange with a trusted friend or mentor to be able to call them when you feel that things are getting chaotic and your mind is leading you to do the thing you dont want to do. At the end of the day, YOU are the boss. You have bechira which means free choice to say NO to anything that is bad for you. However the bechirah is to say no before being in the situation of sin. If someone has a problem with watching TV his bechirah is to choose not to go into the room when the TV is on. Once he goes into the room he may not have the power to resist looking. You understand? So utilize that bechira and Hashem will help you.